Friendship and aphasia
"Friendship and me is erm, ...friendship is very special, is a very special thing"
Friendship can be quite hard to define. So we have looked to philosophy, literature and music for some help.
Aristotle talked about three types of friendship:
Friends of utility are people who are people who are your friends because you have a usefulness to each other. For example people you are friends with at work.
Friends of pleasure or friends in leisure are people with whom you share an interest or activity. These might be football friends or bridge friends, or drinking friends.
Friends of virtue are people who you have a friendship with because you like each other just for who you are. The friendship doesn’t die when the reasons you meet up (e.g. your work, your leisure interests) stop.
Not everyone agrees with Aristotle’s definitions of friendship.
People with aphasia we spoke to in our study talked about the different people they classed as their friends. These included:
Work and ex-work colleagues, friends who shared a hobby (football, drinking, bridge, walking),
neighbours, church friends, friends from the past, new friends from stroke support groups, family members and partners, and pets!
Friends of utility are people who are people who are your friends because you have a usefulness to each other. For example people you are friends with at work.
Friends of pleasure or friends in leisure are people with whom you share an interest or activity. These might be football friends or bridge friends, or drinking friends.
Friends of virtue are people who you have a friendship with because you like each other just for who you are. The friendship doesn’t die when the reasons you meet up (e.g. your work, your leisure interests) stop.
Not everyone agrees with Aristotle’s definitions of friendship.
People with aphasia we spoke to in our study talked about the different people they classed as their friends. These included:
Work and ex-work colleagues, friends who shared a hobby (football, drinking, bridge, walking),
neighbours, church friends, friends from the past, new friends from stroke support groups, family members and partners, and pets!
"They probably don’t know how much I value them as, as friends."
In our interviews, people with aphasia talked about different aspects of friendship. These included:
- The dynamic, constantly changing nature of friendship
- The disappointment at losing touch with old friends
- Realising how important good friends are – in the early days and as time goes by
- The importance of friends believing in you
- The way friends can help you develop confidence and overcome hurdles
- The need for a 2 way balance in friendship – finding ways you can support your friends and vice-versa
- The fun and joy of spending time with friends
Sometimes friendship becomes more complex:
"sometimes don’t understand stroke ..not friends ...real people ...still friends but ...dont understand...its very very...lots of levels."
Some people in our study said they had lost friends after their stroke. But some people said their relationships with some friends had grown closer.
"I had so much to do, erm, like my, erm, SLT therapy and my, erm, OT and like my
physio and I had to do, erm, I … erm, erm, I had so many family things as well like, erm, I had too much to do, to think about (friends) in effect."
"Stroke in a sense has widened my social circle."
For a number of people re-establishing relationships and developing new friends took
time and hard work – on both sides.
"I know it’s hard for her but I can’t help it but, erm, it’s also hard for me to
realise that, erm, some things are different and I just have to, erm, we just
have to get along with it and, erm, yeah. She’s my best friend."
"your brain’s not functioning terribly well so for you to be able to think I'd
better give so and so a call ...you're not thinking that!"
Some people said it was important to get back friendships which were about two
way support:
"Equally. E-qual ... e-qual ... e-qual ... my friends and me."
"Well a person is only a friend if they can open up everything to you.
When I first had the stroke nobody was allowed to tell me
anything."
"sometimes don’t understand stroke ..not friends ...real people ...still friends but ...dont understand...its very very...lots of levels."
Some people in our study said they had lost friends after their stroke. But some people said their relationships with some friends had grown closer.
"I had so much to do, erm, like my, erm, SLT therapy and my, erm, OT and like my
physio and I had to do, erm, I … erm, erm, I had so many family things as well like, erm, I had too much to do, to think about (friends) in effect."
"Stroke in a sense has widened my social circle."
For a number of people re-establishing relationships and developing new friends took
time and hard work – on both sides.
"I know it’s hard for her but I can’t help it but, erm, it’s also hard for me to
realise that, erm, some things are different and I just have to, erm, we just
have to get along with it and, erm, yeah. She’s my best friend."
"your brain’s not functioning terribly well so for you to be able to think I'd
better give so and so a call ...you're not thinking that!"
Some people said it was important to get back friendships which were about two
way support:
"Equally. E-qual ... e-qual ... e-qual ... my friends and me."
"Well a person is only a friend if they can open up everything to you.
When I first had the stroke nobody was allowed to tell me
anything."
Communication
Communication problems were a big issue for most people. For some people difficulty talking and understanding were major barriers to chatting with friends and doing the things they used to do together. Difficulty using email, text or phone or Facebook meant arranging to meet up could be hard.
"Friendship with aphasia can be really really hard work ...me and my friends."
Another problem was that their friends didn’t know how to communicate. Sometimes people with aphasia felt their friends avoided them because they felt embarrassed or unsure what to do. Sometimes their lives were too busy and they didn’t have time to put in the effort needed.
"I think they have to make an enormous effort because, erm, having a
conversation with someone who has no speech is not everybody’s cup of tea."
But other friends were loyal, and constant and open to new ways of doing things together.
"It doesn't take much just to have a coffee and a drink or a meal to.. because that gives time to grow the friendship."